Peenie Wallie

Skybeam Sucks!

That's right. My website has been down for days because the nimrods at Skybeam are as dumb as a bag of hammers.

Not only are they inept, but they're also liars. Every time I called them I got a different story. Lies. Lies. More lies. Stay away from Skybeam!

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Posted by Rob Kiser on September 2, 2010 at 5:07 PM : Comments (0) | TrackBack (0) | Permalink

Shopping Cart Hero

Jen, Piper, and I played Shopping Cart Hero 2 this weekend. Kinda fun, once you figure out how it works.

Categories: Games

Posted by Rob Kiser on August 30, 2010 at 9:14 PM : Comments (0) | TrackBack (0) | Permalink

The Apple Store - Hell On Earth

You just can't know what the Apple store is like. I mean, I hate Apple. I loathe them with a kind of irrational, fomenting, vitriolic hatred that's difficult to put into words. If there were a Nobel prize for hatred, they'd give it to me when I told them how I felt about Apple.

And I hate the people that use these computers. The great unwashed pools of morons and circus pinheads that try to use them, as proficient as bears on bicycles they are.

But Jen and I went into an Apple store anyway because someone gave her a miserable iPod and six months into its life the thing is as useless as tits on a bull. We schedule an appointment online and then drive 40 miles to visit these nimrods in their lair at the Park Meadows Mall. Anyone that thinks there's a recession should see this mall parking lot. An urban nightmare, packed full of cars.

We wander around the mall aimlessly until we finally locate the Apple Store at the complete other end of the mall and we walk in. The place is set up like you might expect. All uber-sleek Apple-designed headache. Tables full of computers. Scads of geeks milling about with extremely gay blue-tooth hearing aids or cell phones or radios. I can't be sure.

Packed with people. Everyone talking at once. People standing in line a million deep to buy those stupid iPhones and iPads and iPods and you just can't know. You can't know how many people were in there all talking at once and we mill around until we find some woman that we're directed to and she tells us "Oh. I'm sorry. You missed your appointment."

Our appointment was at 2:20 p.m. MDT. It is 2:28 p.m. MDT when she tells us we've missed our appointment. We've wandered around the store for at least 5 minutes trying to find out where to go. We have driven 40 miles to this hell hole and wandered through the mall and then through the store to find this wench. I thought we'd get a medal. Instead, I'm told that the appointments are only 10 minutes long, and if you're not there within 11 seconds of your appointment, then it's canceled and nothing can be done.

Now, I don't know if I've told you already that I hate Apple, but I do. And this sends me into that raging fury where I want to go to Gander Mountain and buy a machine gun and come back and make the news. This stuff makes me go ballistic.

Every single person that we talked to in that store apologized to us like this...they said "I'm sorry that you missed your appointment." Like we're cavemen too dense to comprehend the rigors of an urban setting.

I explained to them repeatedly that we drove 40 miles to find the place and that we didn't miss our appointment. We were in the store within 2 minutes of our appointment and only a bunch of anal retentive lunatics would consider that "missing an appointment".

If you show up 8 minutes late for a dinner reservation, they normally haven't given away your table. But if they have, then they put you on the top of the list. But not the idiots at Apple. If you're 12 seconds late, then you don't exist.

Eventually, after about 27 people told us how sorry they were that we'd "missed our appointment", I decide that I'll smash the iPod to bits with a ball-peen hammer in front of God and everyone - the circus freak employees and the retarded customers alike - and announce loudly to the crowd that Apple's mindless products shouldn't be used by anyone clever enough to tie their own shoelaces.

But it's so loud that I doubt my voice could rise above the drone of all the morons there purchasing great stacks of electronics.

Instead, she gets a manager and they say they'll see what they can do and so we sit down at a table covered with those useless Apple computers and I promptly close mine because I promised that I swore on my ex-girlfriend's grave that I'd never touch an Apple computer again so long as I live and I've kept my promise so far. No reason to go back on a promise just because I'm bored.

So Jennifer and I sit there in this beehive nightmare of people too stupid to use a real computer being sold contracts with AT&T. Cell phone service so bad that they lied about the number of bars available on the phone. Phones so bad that engineers were fired over their performance.

I squeeze my eyes and try to go to a happy place. So long as they replace her ipod then this segue into the fiery pits of Apple hell will have been worth it, by some stretch of the imagination.

The store is staffed with circus freaks. Dwarfs and deformed oddities prance around the store like newborn fawns. I'm squeezing my eyes shut and praying for a sudden death.

Eventually, one of the geeks comes up and begins to fiddle with her iPod.

He keeps trying to deal with me. Jennifer is 12. It is her iPod. It's up to her. Not me. My solution involves a ball-peen hammer and a book of matches. So, he needs to be dealing with her. Not me.

But every single question is addressed to me. I'm leaning over a close Apple computer, foaming at the mouth. Chanting. Meditating. Praying for death.

For every question he asks, he completely ignores her, and directs at me, even though she's standing right next to him and explaining what's wrong with it. Communicating with him like a normal human. He ignores her completely.

I'm rocking back and forth in my own feces and he keeps asking me questions. He played with her iPod long enough to see for himself that it was, in fact, completely and royally screwed.

So he tells us that they'll replace it, but they don't have one in stock, and they can only replace it with the exact same one (they won't trade in her pink one for a purple one - like that's crazy, right? Are you insane?) And they'll order one and - get this - this is the best part - we have to come back and pick it up.

I'm like "Are you freaking kidding me? You can't mail it to us?"

"I'm afraid we can't," he lamented.

I'm like "You don't get mail service at the mall? I had no idea!"

But he couldn't be swayed and Jennifer said she'd come back with mom to pick it up and we fled that store like the wind.

Eventually, I went to drop Jennifer off and we saw where there'd be a horrific car crash on Morrison Road under C-470. We're watching them cut her out of the car with the jaws of life and they're spraying down her car to keep it from bursting into flames and I want to walk up to her and tell her how lucky she is not be 8 minutes late for an appointment with a broken iPhone in the Apple store, but she doesn't seem to be overly happy with her current predicament. That much is clear.

Evenutally, I made my way out to the airport. I thought my flight left at 9:30 p.m., but it actually left at 8:30 p.m. And the lines at the metal detectors were just unbelievable. Just a complete nightmare. A total breakdown - the kind that can only be traced back to government bureaucracy. So I'm standing there in line. It's 9:00 p.m. My flight left at 8:28 p.m. No real point in it, but I'm going out to the gate if they'll let me.

There's no point in going to the counter, because they won't let you go to the gate. Their goal is not to help you. Their goal is to keep you from getting on your flight. It's their primary purpose. So, you bypass them. I had a boarding pass I'd printed at the house. The only chance was to go out there, hope the flight was delayed, and try to get on the flight.

So, I go out there and get to Terminal B and, lo-and-behold, the flight is late. By 45 minutes. It's now departing at 9:15 p.m. And it's 9:11 p.m. So I have 4 minutes to get out to gate B-83. Now, if you're going to any terminal above B81, you've got a LONG way to go. You'll use at least 3 moving sidewalks, and there could be twice as many and you'd still have a long walk.

So, I hustle out there as fast as I can I get to the gate and the door is still open and I had the lady by boarding pass and she says "Oh no. This flight is closed. You missed it."

Now, this is how they work. They overbook the flights. Then they close the flights 15 minutes before it leaves, cancel all boarding passes, and let whoever is standing there get on the flight. It sucks, but that's how it works. And I know this. I'm late. And she's not in a mood to discuss the matter further.

Now, I'm really screwed because, these days, they're saying "your ticket is no longer valid and even if we did reticket you there' be a fee of like eleven million dollars" and I'm hosed in a big way and I know this. I'm not stupid.

"OK. Where do I go?"

"Sir. I told you the flight is closed!" she's repeating herself.

"I heard you. I asked where I'm supposed to go." LIke, the fact that you've screwed me out of my seat doesn't change the fact that I need to get to Madison.

Finally she hears me and steers me to the United service desk right behind me and I walk up to it and the woman beside me walks up to it and she says "I volunteered to be bumped from this flight and they sent me here."

So I step up to the ghastly United Airlines ticket troll beside her and I say "I volunteered to be bumped from the flight also."

And they hand me $400 in travel vouchers, a free hotel stay, a meal voucher, and put in on the first flight out in the morning in First Class. And things are looking up.

Update: Apparently I'm not the only one who believes that The Apple Store is Hell on Earth.

Categories: Short Stories

Posted by Rob Kiser on August 29, 2010 at 6:30 PM : Comments (3) | TrackBack (0) | Permalink

The girls

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Posted by Rob Kiser on August 28, 2010 at 12:44 AM : Comments (0) | TrackBack (0) | Permalink

Picnic Point

University of Wisconsin's Lakeshore Nature Preserve Picnic Point on Lake Mendota.

Categories: Photos

Posted by Rob Kiser on August 28, 2010 at 12:29 AM : Comments (0) | TrackBack (0) | Permalink

America's 10 Dead Cities

This is something I haven't seen before...a list of cities that have imploded and why they failed. Wish I'd seen this before I went to work in Detroit for a year.
http://247wallst.com/2010/08/23/americas-ten-dead-cities-from-detroit-to-new-orleans/3/

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Posted by Rob Kiser on August 27, 2010 at 11:42 AM : Comments (0) | TrackBack (0) | Permalink

Change 'Paste Special' Default to 'Unformatted Text'

I hate the idiots at Microsoft about as much as anyone, but the "Paste Special" default to "HTML Format" is just unbelievable. Like...really? You seriously thought that I chose "Edit - Paste Special" because I wanted to insert HTML formatted text? Seriously? Madness.

http://misterslimm.wordpress.com/2007/07/17/microsoft-word-paste-special-as-unformatted-text-keyboard-shortcut-2/

Categories: Technical

Posted by Rob Kiser on August 24, 2010 at 11:08 AM : Comments (1) | TrackBack (0) | Permalink

Bears Attack Bud's Beehives

Two bears got into Bud and Matt's beehives last night. Fortunately, Alice and her friends where out on the deck, heard the commotion, and yelled at the bears to scare them away. When that didn't work, she called for backup and the neighborhood posse came out in force.

By this time, the bears were rolling around in the grass getting stung by thousands of bees and not at all sure that they liked what they'd gotten into. The posse came and scared them off in a big way.

Today, the beehive was restrung with barbed wire and a new electric fence. So, hopefully that will stop them when they come back, which I have a feeling they'll do before too long.

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Posted by Rob Kiser on August 22, 2010 at 6:09 PM : Comments (0) | TrackBack (0) | Permalink

Hopscotching the Continental Divide

This weekend, I drove the XR650L over 300 miles in 24 hours. It was a pretty serious little trek to cram into a weekend. Many places I'd not been in years. Some, I'd never been to before. Didn't take my GPS or anything, but I took the cameras and got a few snapshots which I'll post, time permitting.

Basic route was this...285 South to Park County Road 60. Across Webster Pass (12,114 ft) and then down into Summit County. Tried to ascend Radical Jeep Hill, but was not successful. The trail is steep and rocky, bike got crossways, I jumped off on the downhill side. Laid it down for the first time. Decided to got a different route. Turned around and came back down into Montezuma to Keystone. Swan Mountain Road to 9 South to Breckenridge then 9 North to Frisco where I refueled. As it got dark, I was shivering so bad I couldn't continue. I refueled in Frisco the trip meter said I'd gone 80 miles - I figured about half was hard top and half was dirt or 4wd trails.

Teeth chattering, I showed up at Brian's and he saved me by letting me crash for the night. (Thanks Brian).

Saturday morning woke up to a spectacular view of the Gore Range. Hit I-70 west to Vail Pass (10,662 ft) then up and across Shrine Pass(11,089 ft), and down to Wearyman Creek. Up Wearyman Creek (FDR728), which is basically driving up a rocky creekbed for a few miles - not especially easy. Up over the Ptarmigan Pass (11,777 ft) and down Resolution Road (Forest Service Road 702) to Camp Hale (10th Mountain Division).

Then west on US 24 to Red Cliff for lunch at Mango's Mountain Grill. Then east on 24 up over the Tennessee Pass (10,424 ft) and down into Leadville aka "Cloud City (10,200 ft). When I refueled in Leadville, the trip meter said 160 miles.

In downtown Leadville, take East 7th Street to Lake County Road 3 up over Mosquito Pass (13,185 ft). Then, down Park County Road 12 to US 285 just south of Alma. North on Colorado Highway 9 across Hoosier Pass (11,542 ft) and back down into Breckenridge.

From Breckenridge, up Boreas Pass road across Boreas Pass (11,481 ft), back down into Park County ghost town of Como. North on US 285 to Jefferson where we stopped to snag some Praline Fudge. Then up across Kenosha Pass (10,000), down into Bailey. Up Crow Hill and finally back to the house. Trip meter said I'd gone something crazy like 293 miles in just under 24 hours. Pretty cool ride.

Update: I've added some photos. As I look at the images, it doesn't look like the roads I took are all that treacherous. Probably most of the trails that I took weren't considered "Expert" level trails. Maybe they were "Moderate" trails. But when I was going up the steepest, gnarliest hills, I wasn't taking a lot of photos. Usually, at that point, I was hanging on for dear life and praying I didn't fall a few hundred feet to my death. Some of these roads are, at times, extremely narrow, steep, and rocky. You've been warned. ;)

Update 2: Although you don't see my helmet in any of these images - trust me. I was wearing one. I'm not that stupid. I just took it off for the photos.

Update 3: I found some photos from the last time I went over Mosquito Pass in July of 2005.