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August 23, 2017

Soan Papdi

With the onset of Alzheimer's, my world begins to crumble around me. I look at people I've worked with for over a year, and can't come up with their names. Slowly, everything pulls away from me. But, because you can't remember what you can't remember, it's sort of hard to grasp how far gone you really are.

There are a few indications that sort of show you how far gone you are. A sort of mental measuring stick, if you will.

Like, I look at my posts on the internet. Some of them I remember making. Some of them I do not.

Surf the internet, and I'm vaguely aware that I've read these links before.

This weekend, we go out to dinner, and I see some people in a restaurant. They speak to me and ask me to join them. Only, I don't know who they are. I don't recognize them. This is a very awkward feeling. Like....presumably, they know me, but I don't know them.

Now, you really begin to question the world around you. Like...how is it that all of these people know me, but I don't know them? How many people are there like this out there? How is one supposed to act in a wolrd such as this?

When Jennifer and I were in Cancun and Cabo this year, she would play music on her phone, which I truly enjoyed. Because, it's songs that I've forgotten to remember. So, she's playing all of these songs, which I know, but I would never have been able to remember them on my own. Only when I hear them played do I recognize them.

Now, today, the boss comes over. I'm working on some SQL for hiim. Doing some audits on the database. Nothing tricky. Code I've been knocking out for 20 years or so.

But now, he's plotting something. I'm not sure what at first. It's hard to know who to trust.

Like, if you can't remember anything you say, then you'd probably do best if you just shut your mouth.

If you ask someone 4 times in the same day what they did last night, people might start to realize that there's a problem. So, speak when spoken to. That sort of becomes the game plan.

But now, the boss is plotting something. He mentiond this to me yesterday. I'm not really clear what's going on. He comes over and sits down beside me on my couch.Everyone else sits in chairs in this large conference room. I sit on a leather sofa with my feet up on the coffee table.

I can be gone today. This is not a problem to me. I'm just here, serving at the will of my boss. He comes over today, and starts talking to me. Always, this is the hard part. When someone asks what you're working on, and you can't remember, it doesn't look good. Somehow, he gets me started talking. I'm able to say something that makes sense (barely).

Now, he's telling me to write this email. He wants me to email the project manager and give him some feedback. I try to write the email, but I can't even grasp what we're talking about really.

So, he writes me an email, and sends it to me. Here...take my name off of this...and send it to the project managers. cc all of the other managers.

Why are you doint this? I ask. But there's no answer.

I find a receipt on the sofa beside me. I unfurl it, and see that it's a receipt for Soan Papdi.

Soan Papdi...the nectar of the Gods. Like, I first had this last year some time. I work with a lot of Indians, and they turned me onto it. But, I'd completely forgotten about it until I saw the receipt. I don't really like how everything is pulling away from me like this.

Somosa House
11510 W Washington Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90066

Posted by Rob Kiser on August 23, 2017 at 5:16 PM


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