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July 26, 2016

The Gilpin County Courthouse

Not Like This

I can't really tell you what my life is like. And by that, I mean, I'll try.

This morning, I have a court date in Gilpin County. Why? because I'm not capable of following the law. It all goes back to a day last summer when I was riding with some random guy I met on the road, and we ended up at the Rollinsville Tunnel. Probably in a place we weren't supposed to be. Technically. Not that it matters. But, we roll up there to get some photos at the tunnel. What we didn't know is that the area is remotely monitored from Kansas or Nebraska.

So, the Gilpin County Sheriff's deputies stopped us shortly thereafter and that was the beginning of my saga with the courts of Gilpin County.

In any event, to make a short story long, they charged us with about every crime you could think of, but promised to drop all of the charges if only we'd donate $300 to our favorite charity and provide them proof of the donation.

Needless to say, I immediately left the country, drove to Mexico, and never bothered to pay the $300 to any charity. At all.

Fortunately, Jennifer opens my mail, and she left the letter from Gilpin County where I stumbled across it and it said I had a court date today, July 25th at 9:00 a.m.

Now, I'm very nervous about this, of course, as I really, really, really don't like going to jail. And I have a pretty good idea that that's where I'm heading. I mean, never mind the fact that I failed to meet the requirements of my Deferred Adjudication....I suspect that I may also have outstanding warrants for my arrest. I'm sure I've got some unpaid tickets, in any event.

Also, I'm supposed to be in Los Angeles this morning.

So, I email my boss and tell him that I'm going to have a court date in Colorado. We don't really go into the specifics of why it is that a grown man can't live his life without the involvement of the court system.

But only I tell him I'm fly in later tonight, and I head up to Gilpin County Court House at about 8:00 a.m.

Now, I'm very nervous about this, and I'm reasonably sure I'm going to go to jail, so I don't even bother to buy a ticket back to Denver from LA because, if I'm in jail, I certainly won't need an airline ticket.

I donate $300 to the Alzheimer's Foundation of America, screen shot every screen, and the confirmation email. Dump it all to a printer. Shove the paperwork into a manilla folder, shove this into the back of my motorcycle riding pants, and take off.

On the way to Gilpin County, I'm breaking about every law in the books. Speeding. Passing on a double yellow line. Pretty much Mad-Max type of driving because, if I'm late, I'm hosed. So, I'm racing up the Peak to Peak highway 119 like a lunatic, heading towards the Gilpin County Court House.

It occurs to me that, if I don't end up in jail, then later today, I'll be driving a motorcycle in California, instead of Colorado. Which is sort of an odd thing to think about. A peculiar realizataion.

Somehow, I get to the Gilpin County Court House without getting a ticket for speeding, wreckless driing, etc. This time, I don't have as many electronics as last time. Also, I decide that I'll keep all of my electroncis turned off. Last time, the judge castigated me publicly for having my cell phone on and using it during court. So, this time, I won't make the same mistakes.

I find my name on the door, again, and walk into the court, again.

There are a few people in the room. About a dozen inmates in prison orange. Two deputies guarding over them. A court clerk. The prosecuting attorney. The public defender. And then the judge walks in. Slowly, it dawns on me....I know them all. I know every one of these people. Not that that's anything to be proud of. It isn't. It's a sad testament to the fact that I can't get my life together and I'm still acting like a 9 year old.

I'm sitting here in the court house trying to think of what my story will be.

Should I tell them that I mailed them a copy of my canceled check back in December but they must have just lost it? Like, lying under oath is a crime. It's called perjury. Produicing falsified documents in court is also a crime. It's called Libel.

So, I'm in court, trying to think up the best story I can dream up, when the smoking hot chick calls my name. I stand up, and now i remember her from last time. Last time, I hit on her. I asked her out, as I recall. Beautiful blone chick. Smoking hot. Makes a grown man want to bite his nails.

But instead, I just show her my documents, showing that I paid the $300.00.

"OK. We'll move to rescind the motion to reinstate the deferred adjudication."

"Do I need to do anything else/" I ask.

"No. That's all. You're free to go."

And with that, the beautiful blonde prosecutor turns and walks away, and I walk out into the sunlit parking lot.

Now what? What now? Like...I was pretty sure I'd be in jail at this point, but that didn't happen. I'm free to go. I've got to catch a plane tonight to Los Angeles, but other than that, I'm a free man.

I ride around Gilpin County and Clear Creek County for a little bit. Grab lunch at Carl's Junior. Now back to my house. I connect into work out in LA and send the boss some emails to demonstrate how much work I'm getting done.

And I do get some work done.

Eventually, I walk over to my neighbors and bother them for a bit. They poor me some wine and I check their progress with their chicken coop. They're trying to make a cage that is strong enough to keep my cats away from their chickens. After dinner, I go to my other neighbors. We drink some beers and eat chinese food. and watch one of my cats stalking birds in an open field across the road. I feel kinda bad for the birds up here. My cats do kill a lot of birds. I can't deny that.

At 8:30 p.m., I leave for the airport to fly to Los Angeles. I don't have a ticket to fly back to Denver because I wasn't sure I'd be able to travel. Now, without a return ticket, and no compelling reason to return, I decide to spend the weekend in Mexico.

Posted by Rob Kiser on July 26, 2016 at 12:29 PM


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