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June 26, 2013
Emails
From: Carrie Davis [krelynn2@gmail.com]
On May 20, 2013 8:31 PM, Carrie Davis [krelynn2@gmail.com] wrote:
The last couple of months have been indescribable....
The last year like a dream or a fairy tale no one gets to live out
How could something so perfect go so wrong?
I remember his gentleness in his smile and the comfort and protection I found within him
Also the sadness as it faded away like I was watching him sail away on a yacht leaving me on a deserted island standing ankle deep in the ocean crying for him to return
There are no words for the pain that comes with loving someone you know can't love you the same
Even worse loving someone who chooses not to
Yet alone to his memory of our love I was faithful and forgiving until the memory began to fade
His voice no longer kind his words no warmth
I longed to be his Angel... to feel his love ...to even see I miss you..and I love you rather than I luv u
The nights I slept by my phone..cried alone..made excuses..made him better even to myself than what he was
I even believed my own lies...so sad
Then I remembered who I was.. the woman God made me before I devoted myself to him
He never knew my pain..he looked at me as a problematic obligation
It was over...moving on how odd not to talk w him
A new face across a table...his hands aren't soft like his but they are holding mine
I think how long it has been since Robert walked hand in hand with me or held mine anymore and I sigh
His face ..everything foreign.. he stares at my eyes and listens to me
He thinks I'm beautiful and stops me in mid sentence just to tell me
He admires my job and touches nothing but my hands and my arms and I search his face as I think back to Robert
How hard moving on is but he accepts me he accepts the new me
The real me that wants everything God intended all along
He's not perfect and he's not after my body tho I can tell he likes what he sees
My mind drifts as we drive
This is what dating is like
I had forgotten
I wanted the fairy tale so much
I settled for lonely desperate
attempts to make Robert happy when I was good enough already
Every touch is different but that's good
No one will ever be Robert
He was my only fairy tale
How do I kiss another
But everything is sweet and my
loneliness is gone
I'm happy in the moments
Robert wants me back
He's so different
His voice...his gentleness
Nothing I've ever heard
It drives stakes thru my heart
I wasn't good enough at my best
And now that he took the best that I had to give him
He wants me at my worst?
I don't understand
I'm no good for him now and he can't see it
I'm a shell of the woman he loved
Incomplete of the way i once was
I cry still
All I ever wanted I gave it up
Put it behind me
Quit begging and pleading
Now he wants what's left of me for him but he doesn't understand she's not much
She's moved on to another place and isn't sure how to get back
I see flowers that I used to pray would come and my daughter watches me cry as she asks mama are you OK?
Through a quivering voice I say no not really baby
She says what are you gonna do
I say I dunno what to do
My heart is split into
One side is sad and one is happy
But both has feelings
She said go with the part that is happy mama
I think death could be easier than this
I longed for the day to have him scream to the world his love
Yet his discontent came first
His unconcern his mockery of my devotion in so many ways
Now the heart I never wanted to break is breaking but I didn't do it but he's breaking mine again
Another is mending me and he is breaking as fast as he comforts
This is torturous hell
I love Robert ....
But my heart has been shattered and mislead
The promise of new life awaits from my deserted Island on a small Fishing vessel with promise of no return and no more lonely days waiting for my yacht to return
and answer my lonely cries
Why he could not see me? Why could he not hear me?
I'm the same today as I was then? How could things be this way?
How could he bring me a fairy tale
to turn me into sleeping beauty for another's kiss to wake me?
What is the answer?
What is he really looking for?
Posted by Rob Kiser on June 26, 2013 at 12:06 AM
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