I am a ________ looking for a ________. Man looking for a Victim. Woman looking for a bank account. Narcissist looking for a gerbil. Basket case looking for a codependent. Sheep looking for a ram.
Question 1: Things I would like to put inside of you on the first date. Check all that apply. Mayonaise. Gravel. Wrist watch. Squirrel. Left hand.
Question 2: What are your best qualities? I don't hate my parents as much as I used to. I've never lost a heated arugment. Court rulings have frequently turned out in my favor. Prostitutes and strippers love me. I wear a shirt with my name on it.
Question 3: What are you looking for in a partner? A pulse. Someone that isn't afraid to fight back. Someone that wears size 9 Mules. A person that has tatoos in places the sun never shines. Someone who understands that society is to blame for my problems.
Question 4: What ensures a healthy relationship? Fear. Mutual distrust. Recessive genetic traits. Criminal background checks. Red Bull and road trips.
Question 5: Reasons for failure of previous relationship: Ex was unable to breathe underwater. Ex was hung up on the pedophilia charges. Lenthy extradition hearings. Sponaneous combustion. Ricin accident.
Question 6: What do you like to wear around the house? A tinfoil hat. The Wall Street Journal. A Hello Kitty neglige I knicked from the neighbor's clothesline by the light of a full moon. Velure toesocks. 1/2 inch of Vaseline.
Question 7: What things do you enjoy doing? Shaving my tongue. Stalking strangers. Drinking myself into a torpid stupor. Snorting coke off the formica bathroom counter in that Motel 6 outside of Pismo Beach. Snapping my date's bra strap.
Question 8: What do your friends call you? Three Time Loser. Butterball. Lefty. Sparky. Uncle Bill.
Question 9: What people would you most like to meet? My father. Joseph Mengele. Ted Kennedy. Barry Manilow. Ron Popeil.
Question 10: What things can you not live without? Luge lessons. Dry erase markers. Bolt cutters. Pocket protector. Spam.
Question 11: What do you hate to have to do in a hurry? Load a gun. Spray paint my truck. Burn my warts. Oil my hair. Dig a grave.
Question 12: What's the first thing people notice about you? The smell. I have low-grade narcolepsy. I wear my underwear outside my pants. My numerous facial piercings. My dialysis machine.