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August 8, 2011
Seriously? Seriously???
The Dumbest Woman on Earth
So, I make it out to SFO and there's women balancing screaming infants on their knees, bending them over backwards like licorice.
I go to plug in my laptop, but this woman has hogged both outlets. I have a 3-to-1 adapter, however, so I always just say "You mind if I get in here?" and I unplug one of the offending power cords, plug it into my 3 to 1 adapter, and reinsert it into the outlet. They lose power for about 11 seconds, which isn't a big deal for a laptop. Several times, I've had men compliment me for being so well prepared.
But not this time. I say the standard "you mind if I get in here?" and then pulled out one of her plugs when she took too long to reply. Then she starts to panic.
"I'm going to put in this adapter. We can share the outlet," I explain. I don't want mine plugged into that booster," she chokes.
"It's not a booster. It just lets us share the outlet...." but she's already panicking and she grabs all of the cords from my hand and plugs one of them back in.
"Some people have no manners," she huffs. "You didn't even ask!"
"I certainly did. I said 'do you mind if I get in here.' "
She was all freaked out and rude and even commented on my accent, the South in general, my manners in particular...just kept on freaking out. The only thing was, she was so stupid she didn't realize she plugged in my power cord instead of hers. And, being as my manners have already been called into question, I feel it would be rude to interrupt her further and point out that her laptop is draining while she waits for her plane to take off. Hahahahahahah.
The Fog in San Francisco
Now, I should take a moment to comment on the fog in San Francisco. You just can't know how thick, how predictable, and how debilitating the San Francisco fog truly is. You can not know. But it spreads like Miracle Whip across the peninsula. It coats the bay like Cool Whip. In it, all is lost. Ships mourn their loss of vision in the bay, leaning on fog horns to warn the bridges to stay out of their way.
Every Monday morning, I sit here in this airport. At some point in the morning, I get a text message explaining that my flight is delayed due to the fog in San Francisco. The flights to Oakland always take off on time. But SFO is smothered in marshmallow thick fog.
When the fog rolls in, the Air Traffic Controllers won't allow SFO to use both runways at the same time. They're too close together to allow pilots to land on instruments. So they tell everyone that hasn't taken off to sit tight, and every Monday morning we have a ground hold due to fog.
Normally, it's sort of a miserable fate. I sit and surf the internet and wish I was home in bed. But this morning, I'm happy to sit here and peck away at my keyboard, knowing that the evil bitch beside me is slowly draining her laptop, too stupid to realize her mistake.
The Motorcyclist's Prayer
I have to admit that, when I'm sitting at the red lights in San Francisco, I frequently recite the Motorcyclist's Prayer:
"Lord, please let someone try to take me off the line. Please let them be a good driver in an imported sports car. Or better yet, another motorcycle. Please, Lord, allow this to happen. Amen."
See, when you're sitting at the light, taching up the engine, you want to race someone. You want to. It's in your bones. The motorcycle burns gas, but it runs on testosterone adrenaline. All you want to do is stand it up on one wheel and walk it through the intersection so that all within earshot might know that someone truly evil is weaving the city streets into a racetrack.
I have, however, learned a few things by riding in the city for a few months.
It's easy to pass people on the right and on the left, but it's hard to know where they're going. Those sudden unexpected turns can kill.
It's fun to be the first one through the intersection, but equally dangerous. You might end up in the grill of someone sliding through a redlight.
Taxis are completely unpredictable. They'll pull U-turns in the middle of the street. Pull over to the curb and stop unexpectedly. Open doors into traffic. You name it.
Firetrucks, police, and ambulances don't follow any laws at all. They drive as fast as they want, wherever they want, running redlights, all the while, wailing a siren that will cause you to make mistakes at a time when you really can't afford to make any mistakes at all.
Cable cars stick to a few routes, but they carry more tourists than a melon has seeds. They all hang off the sides to take pictures. Avoid at all costs.
Buses - If you're in a bus lane, you need to get out of the way. Tonnage is the law of the road and bus drivers hate everyone else on the road. The electric powered buses follow set routes as defined by their overhead power lines. Diesel buses go wherever they want. Avoid at all costs.
Trolleys - Some trolleys use overhead powerlines and roll on steel tracks like a cable car or a light rail. Some trolleys are really just gas-powered vehicles dolled up to look like trolleys. These can go wherever they want. Avoid at all costs.
Bicycles don't stop at stop signs.
Bicyclists don't ride in the bike lanes.
Skateboarders are as crazy as they come. Anyone riding a skateboarder in a city built on hills is a suicidal adrenaline junkie. Avoid at all costs.
Pedestrians - Homeless people, drug addicts, and illegal immigrants crawl all over the city like ants. Drunk, stoned, and high on meth, they J-walk, cross against the lights, or park their stolen shopping carts full of trash in the middle of the street. Avoid at all costs.
Pigeons frequently fly through the lanes of traffic. Try to avoid if possible, but don't crash trying to dodge them.
Posted by Rob Kiser on August 8, 2011 at 8:23 AM
Comments
Duh, It was from me! Glad it came in handy!
Posted by: Molly on August 11, 2011 at 3:32 PM
Ha Ha! Talk about dumb women! That comment was for Day 2 re tripod:) Have fun! Glad someone's out there living life. I'm headed to Paw Paw's0:)
Posted by: Molly on August 11, 2011 at 3:46 PM